5.6.19
After waking up somewhere shy of 5 am today, I found myself in the grip of the same intangible anxiety I’ve been trying to beat back for my adult life. The judgment had come in, and my case had been sorted into a pile labeled “LOSERS”. I was a failure who would never amount to anything in this life. I will never work in journalism again, will never published again, will never write a book because those are all things that would require me to be anything other than an abject failure. I rolled onto my side and tried to focus my breath, to “catch a wave,” as my indefatigable YouTube yoga instructor says. No such luck.
This year has held a lot of changes: I got married, my husband and I both quit our jobs and moved across the country. I started freelancing again, and then started working part-time as an elementary school teacher. With the school year ending, I’m now training to work at a coffee shop in my neighborhood. I’ve been reluctant to tell friends and family about the barista job, even though I think it will be good for me, because I feel ashamed that I’m not more successful. Most of my friends are ambitious and upwardly mobile, fording the proverbial river of the 2019 job market. Meanwhile, I feel like a chunk of driftwood, riding the prevailing current until snagging on whatever embankment I float across.
“My life is so controlled by the what ifs,” says the petite whistle tone queen/enemy to all bloggers Ariana Grande. I am not a spiritual person. I don’t believe things “happen for a reason.” The “what ifs” I ask myself end in two scenarios: failure or self-annihilation. When I ask myself questions, they are not meant to be kind or even self-curious. I tend not to ask myself questions with the intent of reflection, but with the intent of adding another mental tally mark to the never-ending litany of personal faults.
After flopping in bed for another hour, I realized a new question had piped up, like a mouse sitting, blinking, on my chest: what if I’m exactly where I need to be right now?
I started to turn that question over in my mind, and the more I asked it, the more it grew. The question flummoxed my anxiety-driven brain, which was unable to find a satisfactory answer, until it crowded out all the other questions. I fell back asleep.
I realize how corny this sounds. But I wanted to send this out in case one of you might benefit from hearing this question today. Try to replace it with whatever unkind questions you might be asking yourself. What if you are exactly where you need to be right now? Then what? Then what, you dumb brain??? Be nicer to my friend!
Thanks for reading.